The Change You Didn't Choose
The Skill Nobody Taught You About Unwanted Change
We talk about change like it comes in two flavors: the kind you want (resolutions, growth, fresh starts) and the kind you don't (layoffs, diagnoses, the call that comes at 2am). The first kind we celebrate. The second kind we endure.
But here's what's strange about the two types of change…they start the same way in your head.
As you read this, your brain is running expectations, constantly expecting this or that. You don't notice this until they're wrong…reaching for a light switch that isn't where your hand expected, or missing the last stair because your foot thought there was one more. When reality matches what your brain predicted, you barely register it. Your keys are where you left them. Your coffee tastes like it it always does. No effort required. Easy peasy.
Did you catch the repeated “it” in that sentence? Most people don’t. Your brain predicted what should be there and filled it in. That's how invisible your expectations are, until they're wrong.
But when something doesn't match - when the keys aren't there, when the coffee tastes burnt, when the meeting gets canceled or the offer falls through - you get a jolt. A signal that says: something's different.
That signal doesn't arrive labeled "good change" or "bad change." It's just, ‘not what I expected.’
What happens after ‘not what I expected‘ is where everything forks your thoughts.
The default path looks like this…mismatch triggers fear, and fear blocks thinking. Energy flows toward restoring the previous state or bracing against further disruption. The change becomes something to survive, get through, wait out.
This makes sense. It's protective and your brain wants to keep you alive.
But here's the thing…the disruption already happened. You already felt the jolt. That part's done. The only remaining question is whether you get anything from it besides the bruise.
The alternative path treats the mismatch differently. Not as an alarm, but as information. Not "this shouldn't be happening" but "what does this reveal that I couldn't see before?"
This isn't the toxic positivity of "everything happens for a reason." That statement is hogwash. The change might be genuinely bad. The loss might be real. But once the disruption has occurred, a different question becomes available…
Now that I'm on a road I didn't choose, what am I noticing?
Think of it like varying your route home, not because you wanted to, but because construction forced you onto unfamiliar streets. You could spend the drive frustrated that your usual path is blocked. Or you could notice that Italian bakery you've never seen, the park that's been three blocks away for years, the faster merge onto the highway you didn't know existed.
The discovery doesn't justify the inconvenience. But the inconvenience already happened. The only variable left is whether you're looking. Crazy simple to do.
For example, we've all been ‘cut off’ by another driver. The first impulse, is too scream, bang on the wheel, curse the SOB. Then bitch about it nearly killing you for the next several minutes.
Or, you could react by thinking, “ Geez I hope he gets to the hospital to see his baby born.” Or, “I hope that helps her get to the restroom before…” Have fun with it. If we're not having fun, we're doing something wrong.
The point is, you're in control of your thinking, and far too often we stop at the first protective thought and ruminate on it. You don't know why he cut you off. There's more than one right answer. Think of another one.
What makes this interesting is that the move from defensive to curious isn't a personality trait. It's not something some people have and others don't. It's a thinking skill…which means it can be practiced, strengthened, made more automatic. It's also fun.
The gap between mismatch and response is small, but it's real. And in that gap is a question you can learn to ask: What does this show me?
Not "how do I fix this" or "how do I get back to before." Just: what's visible now that wasn't visible when everything was going according to plan?
Change is great when you're the instigator of your own change. That's true. But there's a version of personal agency available even when the change chose you. Not in controlling what happened, that's already done. But in deciding what you do with the information it generated.
The jolt already happened.
The only question is whether you're extracting the insight or just nursing the bruise.
I've been practicing pattern recognition and breaking the neurological loops. That means not doing the same routine but mixing it up, walking a different path, waking up at different hours, working from different spaces to rewire the loops.
I love your take on "what does that reveal that I couldn't see before" and I'd add: how does it make me feel and where in my body.
Woot! That's the shift. When pattern-breaking moves from discipline to play, you've crossed a threshold!
You're describing is your brain's threat detection system standing down. Novelty triggers the amygdala...it's supposed to. But when you approach it with curiosity instead of obligation, the prefrontal cortex stays in charge. You're exploring, not surviving.
The laughter is the tell. That's your brain recognizing: "Wait, this isn't dangerous. This is interesting."
People never get there because they white-knuckle through change like it's punishment. You found the cheat code...making the unfamiliar feel like play instead of threat.
Keep noticing what opens up. If we're not having fun, we're doing something wrong 😎👍